My confidence.


My confidence comes not from appearance. If it did I would surely crumble to the ways of the world and be tossed to and fro confused as to who I am to be, and where I am to go.

Appearances are just that. Outer assessments. They are not always truth.

As a woman I cannot put my confidence into my outer appearances. Now let me just stop for a moment. I am NOT saying do not put effort into how you look. What I AM saying is that I cannot put hope, my trust, or my assurance into something that is fleeting. Something that can and will change with each passing day. God however NEVER changes. He alone is the one where my confidence can originate from and can stand firm in. When I pour out all that I am to Him I can rest assured that His love will take care of me. That He will teach me what it means to be His daughter.

My appearance is to reflect Jesus. So yes, I am to take care of myself. If you know me, you know I love clothing. But it is learning to not find identity in the clothing, the hair, the trends. They come and go like the wind. There is always something new, always someone taller, skinnier, more muscular than you. Without placing my hope in God, I am unable to be steadfast. It is impossible to rooted like a tree when where I am trying to grow roots is continually be tilled, and new seeds planted.

In my years of modeling I discovered just how quickly opinions on appearance change and just how demanding those voices can be. I learned that in one casting I could be the perfect fit, and in the next casting I would be considered the “big” girl in the room. I learned that if I placed my hope in how I looked I would become disappointed. And I did. I also found myself in pride when the casting directors loved me. Which lead me to beat myself up if the next casting director wanted nothing to do with me. My hope and trust was not placed in something worth dying for. Society though would tell us otherwise. But at the end of the age, I would rather all that I am be sacrificially poured out to God can to the ways of this world. I do not want to discover at the end of the age that I have nothing to show for all the time, effort, and energy I expended on anything but God.