My heart…

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My heart…it burns. it yearns to know. it aches to see. oh that I would be released to expierence what it is I have been called to see, to do, to be. Yet waiting, anticipating I sit. My heart aches. It yearns to know. My mind racing trying to find its way through this maze, trying to find the answer, trying to do the math. As if I can solve the issue. As if I can know it all. What is this that makes my heart burn.

It is you.

to know you .

to trust you.

God.

continue to awake love within me. That I would not stop searching for you until I have found you. For I will lay aside every weight, I will strip off the old woman, I will carry the cross, I will surrender it all to you. Just for the promise of dwelling with you. Here, Now, and forever. Let my heart never stop burning, let the ache never leave until you have all of me. I am forever yours.

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Late night thoughts.

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As I see my internship friends living there lives still in Kansas City I sometimes I wonder if going back to IHOP-KC would make life easier. If it would make my heart ache less, if it would somehow answer my questions. Now these questions don’t haunt me. They don’t cause me pain. They instead make me wonder at moments, they bring forth excitement. They cause me on nights like tonight to stay awake. I know the answer though. It wouldn’t. Life would still go on. I would still have questions. Possibly ever more there than here. So I do the only thing I can which is thank God for where he has each of his children, myself included. We are all on a separate journey. No journey looks the same in how we walk it out. I know in my heart where it is I am to be in this season. In the next season, well, that is a surprise for all:)

I can wonder, I can question. But ultimately it gains me nothing.

I can pray, I can read the word. That will gain everything.

Trust.

Hope.

It is the very essence of the christian walk.

Sole dependence on the man Jesus.

We are to walk not according to situations and circumstances, but rather according to the big picture. ETERNITY. My aim in life is to cultivate a lifestyle pleasing unto God.

It reminds me of last December in the prayer room at IHOP-KC crying out to the Lord not wanting to leave. Oh how my heart hurt in that season as I surrendered much more than anyone knew. And again I feel that season of surrender unto a season of miracles and HOPE.

This is tonights late night thoughts…

The Lords Suffering

A text conversation I recently had when I told a friend I felt as though I was being invited into the Lords suffering {into surrender}.

Friend:“What does it mean to be invited into the Lords Suffering?”

Me:“That the cry in my heart to know him deeper can only be answered by allowing myself to feel the suffering of denying myself for Gods glory. For His greater purpose”

So what do I mean by that? I mean that my human nature does not default to denying pleasure, it doesn’t desire to say no to the things I want. Typically I want what I want, and I want it now. But the Lord has something better. Something longer lasting for me. But I must discover the treasure that it is. For God gives good gifts. Nothing fake, nothing cheaper, He is not in the business of knock offs. Surrender is allowing myself to let go of what I am holding onto so tightly and allowing Him to put in my hands what He has for me. Through that experience and transaction I discover real joy, real pleasure, real happiness….

Surrender. Its beautiful if you let it be.

Saturday.

I love this image. I did not take it. Photo credit goes to dear inspiration. It prompts so many thoughts, emotions, questions. Like :

  • How willing am I to go down into the valley of weeping before I reach the top?
  • How much am I willing to let go of?
  • Do I trust Him with all that I am.

Just like in this image you have to go down first before you go up. Many times I find myself eager to reach the top, but forget that to get there brokenness, letting go must occur.

Trust.

Surrender.

Is there anything more beautiful?

{The fight}

I began texting a friend the first two lines and realized this was turning into a writing/poem/blog. So here is my heart tonight. To all those in this place too, let us find comfort in His arms and never be afraid to dive deep into His ocean of grace for today. There is enough grace for all that today has. And today is were we are.

 

Tonight im fighting to keep my heart open to the Lords plans
I am crawling under his wings allowing Him to wipe away the tears of dissapointment
Trusting only in His name
the plans, the timing, the finances
I can never find comfort in them
my heart cries out to be comforted
my feet run fast into His arms
my arms open wide knowing He will catch me
He holds me in His hands
outside I see the rain pouring down,
yet not one drop touches me
you are the protector
forsaken; I am not
that which He begun in my heart
He will see this to completion
I fight to keep my heart open to love
forsaken, I am not
Loved, I am
He has not forsaken me
Nor will He ever leave me
I put my trust in your name.
Faithful one
I hear Him asking me to surrender once again
the dreams of my heart
I will continually surrender all that I hold valuable
for He is worth all that I have
every dream
He is worth more than gold or silver
I surrender once again all that is His
its not in vain
I trust He sees
I trust He knows
He will never forsake me.
In Him I put all my trust
all my hope
He will never let me down
He has never left my side
He is for me
Not against me

{Calling me to the Mountaintop}

I wrote this in October, as I felt the Lord beckoning me to surrender all I knew and follow Him in a new journey/season.

Eternal one
your calling me away
to the mountaintop
your leading me away
from familiarity
to the unknown
there at the peak you dwell
emotions run wild within me
without you i cannot make this journey
you said to bring nothing but this heart within me
that it would get me through
the rain, the storms, the hail
that through the sleepless nights trekking up the mountain you would sustain me
in the daytime when the sun beats down on me
and the creatures surrounding dont want me traveling near them
you will surround me and keep me safe
this journey you said you would always be with me
but I wouldnt always see you
its the assurance of my beating heart that you are near

Eternal one
your calling me away
this is the journey of a lifetime
this is not a some day
it is today
youve asked me to surrender all
to let go of it all
the whispers of fear ask me what will happen if you let go of it all
it may never come back
what promise then do i have of a future
you have promised love
that is all my heart could ask for
its time to upack for the journey.
surrender is awaiting me
strength is at my beckon call
grace is pouring from your lips
this journey, you ask of me
requires all that i am

I feel a strong hand slip into mine and a still voice says’whenever your ready im here’
whenever your ready im here to show you what I have for you
Come away with me unto the mountaintop
danger lurks at every corner if you get off the narrow path
and men stand ready to snatch you away if your eyes are not focused on me at the top
but if you keep your eyes on me
and follow the tracks i left for you
listen to my voice beating inside your heart
and you will attain the prize
you will make it
do not stop and rest in the caves as the men along the trails will suggest
keep your eyes focused on me
never forget the sound of my voice
there are many voices on the side of path that will suggest shortcuts and want to sell you things to make the journey less painful and not so hard
but you are to not bring money
bring nothing with you but what Ive given you
you may see others walking on the same path
but for now its time to walk alone
they too need to focus on my voice,
on what i look like
you must cling to the words ive taught you over the years
this one book I give you to remind you of who i am on the journey
remember my promises and my mercy
remember my unfailing love
remember me
he takes my hand and puts in on his heart
I feel his heart beating its like a dance on the inside of him
its as though all of heaven and earth every creature is within him singing dancing there is life pouring forth
dont forget the sound of my heartbeat
i always see you
i will be watching you the entire way up the mountain
you may not always see me
as the path is narrow and less traveled
but i promise i hear you
i always hear you
remember my faithfullness
ive heard your every cry and kept every tear
ive bottled them up
when the sun shines remember me
that my face shines upon you
when the rain falls remember me
that i have washed you clean
no matter how dirty you may feel in this journey
i see you as clean
my voice is the only one that matters
dont listen to the screaming of the jealous one along the road
he wants what you have
for you to choose the wide path to destruction
focus on me

he turns me to look at him in his eyes
I see eternity before my eyes
pools of blue waters appear in his eyes
I see something in them
a glimpse of me and him
Me crying and him sitting next to me crying out to his father to have mercy upon me
another image of me and him this time i am walking down a street completely ignorant that he is walking beside me
my life flashes before me in these eyes of His
He remembers all
He sees all
He saw it all
He has not forgotten one day that i have lived
He then puts his hand in my hand again and begins to walk me to the base of the mountain
I have taught you over the years
I will be awaiting you at the top
remember the words I have spoken to you
cling tightly to all I have said and showed you over the years
you know what to do
remember me

L.O.V.E.

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