The heartache of a lovesick heart.

I am being taken back to two years ago. I was in the OneThing Internship. My heart was getting completely wrecked [in the best way possible]

I was in tears almost everyday learning of Gods extravagant love for ME, and at the same time I was being stripped of fears and pride. It was an intensely beautiful time in my life. A time I will never forget. God placed certain women in my life for a reason. In that time they helped stretch and grow me into the woman I am today. Still to this day I talk to them, text them, and video chat with them. I would not be the woman I am today without them.

Being in the OneThing Internship I was in the prayer room 6-12 hours and that is where I found myself wrecked in Gods love. As I listened to the truth of who God is, the walls began crumbling down. Day by day, week by week, month by month. Those hours turned into days and days into weeks of hearing the truth of who Jesus was, hours of worshipping the worthy one formed in me a passion to give God the worship He is so worthy of. From that moment on love was profoundly written on my heart. They say you become what you behold and in those 6 months I spent my time focused on beholding Jesus. I don’t know how else to describe it but to say a flame was placed deep within my heart, a burning, a deep desire to know God for who He truly is, to encounter His love, to surrender my EVERYTHING to Him in a way I had yet done. When the internship was coming to a close I was hoping to stay at IHOP-KC, but I felt the Lord calling me back home to WA. I didn’t want to leave that place of encounter, where I had made new friends, where I had re-discovered what it means to be love. I left Kansas City, MO with a lovesick heart. I was completely undone. My soul had found a place to daily encounter the Lord. 24/7 worship and prayer was occurring there. But choosing to listen to God I came home. It took me several months to re-adjust to life in WA. But when I did I found where I fit here in the northwest. I was reminded I didn’t need a prayer room to the encounter the Lord. He loved meeting me in my tiny room, He loved hearing the songs of my heart on my little keyboard without any speakers. He loved my life poured out as an offering to Him. He loved me as is.

Well, ithas been two years since the internship started. It has been 1.5 years since I left Kansas City, MO. But that lovesick heart is burning deep within me. The cry in my heart is to be in the house of prayer, to spend my time there, to worship Jesus, to sit before Him and let Him refine me in His perfect ways. I have a passion for Jesus that I cannot contain. I mentioned to a friend the other day I feel like I am going through the internship again. My heart is in a place of such tenderness and readiness to see God move in my life like never before. I am laying myself barren before Him in ways I would not have dared to in years past. I am choosing to step out in areas of my life. God is strengthening my heart to say yes to the things of His heart, and no to the things which do not produce life within my heart. Its not always beautiful looking on the outside. But God looks inward, He looks at my heart.

The days of crying have come again. They sweep over me like the wind. At any given moment something may remind me of Gods love, of His faithfulness and I am undone. The days of laying completely barren before God with others watching me are upon me. It is in these moments I am reminded I am living for Gods gaze and Gods gaze alone. All I want is to know what God thinks of me, to be seen by Him. All I want is to encounter His love, no matter the cost. Ive surrendered all I’ve had before, and in this season again I am doing it in a profound way [for me personally]. In this season my physical/temporary surroundings are changing as a result. The heartache of a lovesick heart is calling me away from where I am. Calling me to leave the boat so to speak and walk towards Jesus, and in order to walk towards Him I must walk on water. I must walk out on faith, faith of who I know God to be. No matter what storms come my way, what I know to be true of God shall be the only thing that moves me. This is my hearts desire, that when He calls me I will listen. That when He holds out His hand, I will take it. My hearts desire is to not take offense when life doesn’t seem to go my way. My hearts desire is to know this Jesus that surrendered all for the sake of love so that I may look more like Him.

Maybe you can relate to me, maybe you have been there. Maybe you are there. Or maybe you have never heard anyone talk about getting “wrecked” in a good way, or what it means to be “completely undone”, or how someone could be “lovesick” for God…. I would love to chat! Feel free to comment on the blog post, or send me an email if you feel more comfortable that way [at]

Btw, take a listen to this song below. I had it on repeat as I wrote this post. This song just wrecks me to know God more.

{Did you learn to love?}

Well it’s officially the last week of the internship here at the International House of Prayer.

I really couldn’t come up with a better way for my second to last sunday to play out if I had the choice. I’m sitting in the best coffee shop with Jon Thurlow Christmas music playing in the background, outside snow has covered the ground, my peppermint hot cocoa and fudge nut cookie are awaiting my devouring. My ears picking up conversations around me, contagious laughter pours from a woman across the way, men in front of me are conversing about the goodness of God, others spread out sitting alone texting, emailing going about their day. {If you hadn’t noticed cafe’s are one of my favorite places to be.}

With it being the last week, the reminiscing has begun. The late night talks & crying in bed together with the roommates go early into the morning. The obsessive picture-taking, just to make sure we have everything documented in our time here. The packing, the exchanging of clothes. The deep cleaning… However admist all the laughter,  tears, breakthrough, and breakdowns my time here all come down to one question.

At the end of the night when I lay my head upon my pillow the same question that is asked of me nightly will be asked of me on that glorious day when Jesus returns:

“Did you learn to love”

plain and simple.

Did I learn to love?

When the photographs are lost, tears dry up, when being in prayer room is not longer required, when the friends move away. What is left?

The personal and financial breakthrough that one encounters are great, yet only goes so deep because of the following truth. It all comes down to love. Of what point is breakthrough,  friends, a great church, and good teachings without love?  If someone were to ask me what I have learned in being here it was the very thing I was contending for. To know love. In coming here I discovered what real love is, who it is. Love is not an emotion, it is an action. It is not a distant feeling, it is not something afar off that only some can touch. All can reach for love and touch it. Yet one must first reach to feel it. Love is all around, it is all encompassing, it cannot be contained. Love is always loving. But we must choose to love, to feel love, to recieve love before to begin to what depths love itself has gone for us to feel love for eternity. This love, the force behind love is Jesus. Jesus is Love. All He does is motivated in and through love. There is nothing He does apart from it. It is in his jealous zeal that He cuts out all that would hinder love. It is in His bridegroom heart that He woo’s his Bride.  Its all for love.