Late night thoughts.


As I see my internship friends living there lives still in Kansas City I sometimes I wonder if going back to IHOP-KC would make life easier. If it would make my heart ache less, if it would somehow answer my questions. Now these questions don’t haunt me. They don’t cause me pain. They instead make me wonder at moments, they bring forth excitement. They cause me on nights like tonight to stay awake. I know the answer though. It wouldn’t. Life would still go on. I would still have questions. Possibly ever more there than here. So I do the only thing I can which is thank God for where he has each of his children, myself included. We are all on a separate journey. No journey looks the same in how we walk it out. I know in my heart where it is I am to be in this season. In the next season, well, that is a surprise for all:)

I can wonder, I can question. But ultimately it gains me nothing.

I can pray, I can read the word. That will gain everything.



It is the very essence of the christian walk.

Sole dependence on the man Jesus.

We are to walk not according to situations and circumstances, but rather according to the big picture. ETERNITY. My aim in life is to cultivate a lifestyle pleasing unto God.

It reminds me of last December in the prayer room at IHOP-KC crying out to the Lord not wanting to leave. Oh how my heart hurt in that season as I surrendered much more than anyone knew. And again I feel that season of surrender unto a season of miracles and HOPE.

This is tonights late night thoughts…

{Infinite Ache}


In coming here to the internship I have been forced to stop watching the television, listening to secular music, and having unlimited internet access. We have no television here in our apartment and do not use the internet or play any secular music in our apartment. I have never felt such peace in a place before, My time is now no longer filled with 3-10 hours a day of watching television & being on the internet. Instead I find myself sitting here in the prayer room listening to the best live worship music for 5-8 hours a day. 2-3 hours classes on Intimacy with God, End Times, and the Book of Joel, 2 church services, and a small group. (Oh yah, I can’t forget interning in the Forerunner Music Marketing Office:) My influences now all revolve around God, Desiring to go deeper into the word of God to discover what real satisfaction and pleasure is,
seeking to know the God who calls himself the I AM.

To live in truth demands I let go of everything distracting and pulling me away from Jesus.
This can hurt. It does hurt. It means those things I so quickly ran to, too numb the pain are either no longer available or much harder to access. Everyones anesthesia of choice is different (Ex:video games, eating too much/or to less of a certain food, cigarettes, drinking, shopping, watching television for extended amounts of time, co-habitation, sexual immorality…) It means instead of the daily/weekly quick fix that so many of us run to when times get hard, when life confronts us with pain and betrayl we must press into the pain and the hurt and allow Holy Spirit to address the root of the issue. Numbing the pain has never and will never work. It is a momentary fix for an eternal desire that can only be satisfied by one. God. So often were afraid to let the real thing satisfy us, because it requires a letting go of what we call ‘good’. But God and God alone defines what is good.

Back up to Adam and Eve quickly. From the very beginning God defined what is good, in Genesis God told Adam and Eve to not eat of one tree in the garden of eden. Then satan came as a cunning serpent to Eve and proposed the lie (that satan tries to convince us of as well) that God is not good and doesnt have
there best interest in mind, and that ultimately she should define what is good by eating from the fruit and determine if its good or not.  The serpent told her that eating from the tree wouldn’t hurt her, but it would in fact make her more like God (she had forgotten that She had been created in His image.) Since the fall of man humans have desired to be the definition of what good is, it revolves around an ever-present self-centeredness that runs rampant especially in the western culture.  People are not motivated by revelation but by the lusts of the flesh, in attempt to justify their own sin and defend their desires. Many people, believers and non-believers have made peace with their sin, settling it in their hearts that it is their portion in life. Jesus never called us to make peace with sin. Scripture clearly states to wage war against sin!

So instead of running around trying to fill that ache by asking, begging people to tell us our identity, to give meaning to our existence. Which no person can do. This is were co-habitation and over attachment to friends lie. Surrounding ourselves with people in the same cycle of continually attempting to fill up on worldly pleasures. That will entertain the sins as we live in them. With all this being said, I want to emphasize that

I do not think watching tv, internet, and having friends is bad! It is when those things take the place of God. When we begin to fill our temple (we were created to be the temple of God) with things that do not reflect Him or His nature. If our waking thoughts are on how we can get our next fix, we need to  re-adjust were our time, effort, money is being spent on. What are we dreaming out? Seriously. What are we willing our minds with in the daytime?  Are we filling our minds with gossip? or are we abiding in the word of God. Let us ask God for the strength to choose His ways, over the so called pleasures of this world. When we allow God to have His way in our lives we are forsaking the temptation to live for ourselves. We begin to treat our time, money, and those around differently. We begin to look at things differently. We begin to understand that Gods leadership is done in love, for love. God desires that we  live in agreement with His heart. Im talking from experience when I say clinging to God and choosing to let Him love me in my weakness is so much better than running to that carton of ice cream or ‘getting away’. Because when I try and numb it I am left with an insatiable hunger that scares me at times because it only grows and I know that it cannot be satisfied yet I still try like so many people do. But whenI am allowing God to fill the ache within me, I go to be bed feeling satisfied and wake up hungry for more of Him, rejoicing in the joy that I feel.

We have an infinite ache within us. How are you filling it?