The heartache of a lovesick heart.

I am being taken back to two years ago. I was in the OneThing Internship. My heart was getting completely wrecked [in the best way possible]

I was in tears almost everyday learning of Gods extravagant love for ME, and at the same time I was being stripped of fears and pride. It was an intensely beautiful time in my life. A time I will never forget. God placed certain women in my life for a reason. In that time they helped stretch and grow me into the woman I am today. Still to this day I talk to them, text them, and video chat with them. I would not be the woman I am today without them.

Being in the OneThing Internship I was in the prayer room 6-12 hours and that is where I found myself wrecked in Gods love. As I listened to the truth of who God is, the walls began crumbling down. Day by day, week by week, month by month. Those hours turned into days and days into weeks of hearing the truth of who Jesus was, hours of worshipping the worthy one formed in me a passion to give God the worship He is so worthy of. From that moment on love was profoundly written on my heart. They say you become what you behold and in those 6 months I spent my time focused on beholding Jesus. I don’t know how else to describe it but to say a flame was placed deep within my heart, a burning, a deep desire to know God for who He truly is, to encounter His love, to surrender my EVERYTHING to Him in a way I had yet done. When the internship was coming to a close I was hoping to stay at IHOP-KC, but I felt the Lord calling me back home to WA. I didn’t want to leave that place of encounter, where I had made new friends, where I had re-discovered what it means to be love. I left Kansas City, MO with a lovesick heart. I was completely undone. My soul had found a place to daily encounter the Lord. 24/7 worship and prayer was occurring there. But choosing to listen to God I came home. It took me several months to re-adjust to life in WA. But when I did I found where I fit here in the northwest. I was reminded I didn’t need a prayer room to the encounter the Lord. He loved meeting me in my tiny room, He loved hearing the songs of my heart on my little keyboard without any speakers. He loved my life poured out as an offering to Him. He loved me as is.

Well, ithas been two years since the internship started. It has been 1.5 years since I left Kansas City, MO. But that lovesick heart is burning deep within me. The cry in my heart is to be in the house of prayer, to spend my time there, to worship Jesus, to sit before Him and let Him refine me in His perfect ways. I have a passion for Jesus that I cannot contain. I mentioned to a friend the other day I feel like I am going through the internship again. My heart is in a place of such tenderness and readiness to see God move in my life like never before. I am laying myself barren before Him in ways I would not have dared to in years past. I am choosing to step out in areas of my life. God is strengthening my heart to say yes to the things of His heart, and no to the things which do not produce life within my heart. Its not always beautiful looking on the outside. But God looks inward, He looks at my heart.

The days of crying have come again. They sweep over me like the wind. At any given moment something may remind me of Gods love, of His faithfulness and I am undone. The days of laying completely barren before God with others watching me are upon me. It is in these moments I am reminded I am living for Gods gaze and Gods gaze alone. All I want is to know what God thinks of me, to be seen by Him. All I want is to encounter His love, no matter the cost. Ive surrendered all I’ve had before, and in this season again I am doing it in a profound way [for me personally]. In this season my physical/temporary surroundings are changing as a result. The heartache of a lovesick heart is calling me away from where I am. Calling me to leave the boat so to speak and walk towards Jesus, and in order to walk towards Him I must walk on water. I must walk out on faith, faith of who I know God to be. No matter what storms come my way, what I know to be true of God shall be the only thing that moves me. This is my hearts desire, that when He calls me I will listen. That when He holds out His hand, I will take it. My hearts desire is to not take offense when life doesn’t seem to go my way. My hearts desire is to know this Jesus that surrendered all for the sake of love so that I may look more like Him.

Maybe you can relate to me, maybe you have been there. Maybe you are there. Or maybe you have never heard anyone talk about getting “wrecked” in a good way, or what it means to be “completely undone”, or how someone could be “lovesick” for God…. I would love to chat! Feel free to comment on the blog post, or send me an email if you feel more comfortable that way [at]

Btw, take a listen to this song below. I had it on repeat as I wrote this post. This song just wrecks me to know God more.

{Did you learn to love?}

Well it’s officially the last week of the internship here at the International House of Prayer.

I really couldn’t come up with a better way for my second to last sunday to play out if I had the choice. I’m sitting in the best coffee shop with Jon Thurlow Christmas music playing in the background, outside snow has covered the ground, my peppermint hot cocoa and fudge nut cookie are awaiting my devouring. My ears picking up conversations around me, contagious laughter pours from a woman across the way, men in front of me are conversing about the goodness of God, others spread out sitting alone texting, emailing going about their day. {If you hadn’t noticed cafe’s are one of my favorite places to be.}

With it being the last week, the reminiscing has begun. The late night talks & crying in bed together with the roommates go early into the morning. The obsessive picture-taking, just to make sure we have everything documented in our time here. The packing, the exchanging of clothes. The deep cleaning… However admist all the laughter,  tears, breakthrough, and breakdowns my time here all come down to one question.

At the end of the night when I lay my head upon my pillow the same question that is asked of me nightly will be asked of me on that glorious day when Jesus returns:

“Did you learn to love”

plain and simple.

Did I learn to love?

When the photographs are lost, tears dry up, when being in prayer room is not longer required, when the friends move away. What is left?

The personal and financial breakthrough that one encounters are great, yet only goes so deep because of the following truth. It all comes down to love. Of what point is breakthrough,  friends, a great church, and good teachings without love?  If someone were to ask me what I have learned in being here it was the very thing I was contending for. To know love. In coming here I discovered what real love is, who it is. Love is not an emotion, it is an action. It is not a distant feeling, it is not something afar off that only some can touch. All can reach for love and touch it. Yet one must first reach to feel it. Love is all around, it is all encompassing, it cannot be contained. Love is always loving. But we must choose to love, to feel love, to recieve love before to begin to what depths love itself has gone for us to feel love for eternity. This love, the force behind love is Jesus. Jesus is Love. All He does is motivated in and through love. There is nothing He does apart from it. It is in his jealous zeal that He cuts out all that would hinder love. It is in His bridegroom heart that He woo’s his Bride.  Its all for love.




{The choice}




Its a rainy day. Perfect time to blog. Its been a couple weeks since I have actually blogged on my life here. So here we go. There are less than 50 days until I graduate from the OneThing internship here at International House of Prayer. When they said the last half goes by quicker than first half they were right!


With the graduation fast approaching I have found myself trying to come up with what I should do with my time after internship. Ideas ran rampant in my mind, I could start one of the business’s I’ve always wanted to, I could be a nanny in the third richest town in the United States, there are plenty of oppurtunities here to make money and live well. But I didn’t have a peace about any of the things. {Reminds me back in May before I left for internship and I asked God what I would be doing after the internship and I felt like he said you have no idea, well He was right, as always;}{ See that blog entry here;)}.

So the last couple months when I have asked God what after the internship looked like, He didn’t answer the question directly {I think about the bible and when Jesus spoke directly to the people hearts who were asking Him questions, instead of answering question directly}, he instead asked me these two questions repeatedly.


‘Can you trust me up to the last minute’


‘Can you leave it all behind?’


He couldn’t possibly mean it, right? God didn’t actually want me to leave behind everything I had worked so hard for? Right?  {Insert me hoping I was repeatedly feeling the wrong impression} But, Yep. That is exactly what He was asking of me. Apart of my personality, I am one who plans ahead, WAY ahead. It’s a strength I believe the Lord equipped me with. But in our strengths we can sometimes forget our need for the Lord in our daily lives, and life goals because we get so good at doing things for ourselves. God was and is desiring to strip me of that false security. He is asking me to completely depend upon Him. Trusting that He can do far beyond anything I personally could come up with. I am beginning to see little glimpses of Gods provision for me.

And each time they are so divinely orchestrated that there is no denying its from God, I had no play in His plans unfolding except for my weak yes to His questions ‘can you trust me?’.

So here I am halfway across the country literally in the middle of no were, without my car, without a job, without the ‘extras’ that I love having {you know those things that make a home}. Sitting in the prayer room, I find God asking me again. Can you trust me? Can you believe that your prayers move mountains? I find God asking me to spend most of my time doing the opposite of what the world says is wise or smart to do. But to God it is success. It is growing in deeper intimacy with Him, it is partnering with His heart for the nations, it is learning who I was created to be.

Becoming an intercessory missionary was so NOT on my radar of things I wanna do with my life, or had a desire to do until coming here I would get those twinges of ‘this is what I was made for’ when I would be sitting in the prayer, and worshipping. But I would push them away, thinking I couldn’t possibly be called to this. Back in high school I use to make fun of missionaries, thinking it was pointless and now I find myself drawn to not only being a missionary, but an intercessory missionary. Kinda funny when you think about it. {For those wondering what an intercessory missionary is Go HERE for an awesome description written by one here at IHOP-KC}

In this season of my life I feel like the Lord was asking me to lay down my talents, my dreams of starting business’s, traveling the world…To leave behind my family and friends to seek Him even deeper than the last 4+ months. To trust Him. Now its one thing to live on a mission base and spend most of your time praying and worshipping God for 6 months apart of an internship, but to apply it to ‘real life’ and make it your main goal, that is a whole different story.To lay down my strengths before Him and allow Him to arise in His strength in my life for His glory. Its ‘easy’ to get a job, start a business, find a place to stay. But its alot harder {at least for me} to allow all this to be divinely orchestrated by God. And that is just what He is doing. Redefining my definition of success, and continually reminding me at the end of the age ITS ALL ABOUT LOVE.