{Month Two Update}

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I’m never quite sure what to write for monthly updates, there is so much that happens within one day. How I am suppose to have you grasp whats happening in the time span of a month I dont know. But I will attempt at painting a picture of what life here looks like.

The pool has officially closed, there is now a chill in the air and umbrellas are needed, the seasons are changing.   And it just so happens that the month two mark just passed this last week.  A new season has begun here at internship as well, with it brings a new class called ‘Intimacy with God’ (by far my favorite class so far) that Ron Downing is teaching, then Mike Bickle is teaching the Book of Joel, I am astounded how a book with 3 chapters could entail so much! I am so blessed to have teachers of the word who study it and meditate on it day and night and push me to do the same.

I am about to start to read the Seven Longings of the Heart by Mike Bickle (You can go to his website and get it for free!). We are also reading The Rewards of Fasting, and Passion of Jesus both by Mike Bickle.

2 months of being here equals out to approximately:

135+ hours in prayer room

4 papers

Read New Testament 1.5 times

Read book of revelation 9 times

2 evangelism events

more tears than I knew were possible

It has been the best 2 months of my life by far. I am in a place of such peace of knowing what I am called to do and be. It’s that rooted, unshakeable feeling that the word promises if we lean on Him and abide in Him. Letting God do the work, and me standing in agreement with His word for my life. Trusting that His leadership is perfect even when I cannot see, I cannot understand whats going on around me or in me. I am discovering the Kings jealous love for me, how he doesn’t desire sacrifice for the sake of sacrifice. He desires that I lay down all that hinders love.

This is my attempt of giving you a long story short of whats happening, hope you were able to grasp a little bit of were I am.

Peace & Hope.

Its available for all.

L.O.V.E.

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{Life as an Intern: Heart}

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“For me to live this is Christ,
For me to die this is my gain”

What do you get when you combine Stanford & Berkley grads, 18 year olds fresh out of high school, and 20 year olds giving up careers and relationships all for the sake of LOVE?
You get the July 2010 OneThing Internship.

Doing this internship has been my way of declaring: “I’ll follow the lamb wherever he leads me, wherever he goes.” It just so happens to be a really, really good song as well 😉 In being here I’ve found myself re-discovering the freedom that loving God brings. That discovery is taking me into the depths of Gods heart towards me which requires I face the condition of my heart, mind, body, spirit (my entire being).  Doing so I’ve found hurt and pain dwelling all to comfortably in my heart. Fears built upon fears, excuses, and denied weakness simmering beneath the surface. Oh human frailty… I found myself disillusioned thinking I had surrendered all there was to surrender by moving halfway across the country for God ‘to return to my first love’. Instead I came to discover that all along I had been standing one foot in the river, one foot on land unsure if sailing away with God would be really what would fill me and the desires of my heart, desperately holding onto a few of my personal treasures physically and within my heart. (Were your heart is, there your treasure lies). Now it didn’t look like desperation outwardly. (Humans have gotten to good in my opinion at masquerading in order to go about the motions of life.) I was continually ‘growing’ and was having breakthroughs in my life, but there were still places with a big “do not disturb” sign on them. In doing this I wasn’t allowing Jesus to free me from the bondage which I accepted as being normal, which ultimately is robbing Him of His  inheritance.

Coming here I realized that I didn’t have an accurate revelation of who God is. My view towards Him was that He was mostly angry, impossible to please, and didn’t really want me to have the desires of my heart. Forgetting that He was the very one who formed my heart in my mothers womb, he created those burning passions and desires in my heart. In the disillusionment of being in pain and hurt I had blamed God  (subconsciously without really realizing it) for the mistakes and sins I committed. I was bitter, confused, and ashamed. But God was innocent in all this. All He had done was try to call me out of sin and rebellion so that I could experience His love in a fuller measure.

Without the INTENTIONAL tending to the flame on the altar of our hearts the love for God will not grow within us.
Cultivating love of JESUS, not building my name, a lifestyle of love vs ministry (self-exhortation). My focus in life has been for the 50-100 years that I will here on earth instead for the age to come. Somehow in the hustle and bustle of  life I forgot that I was created to live for ETERNITY. My time here on earth is but a snippet of time in the grand scale of things. My  focus should not be on self-exhoration (how I can make a name for myself) but rather focused on living as Jesus lived. Walking humbly, to serve those around us before ourselves and loving at all times.

Life here is different in the obvious things like living with 3 other women, listening to live worship 5-8 hours a day, classes, working in a Marketing office for Christian Record Label. I am meeting new people almost everyday all with the same goal, to encounter the King of Kings on a daily basis and to love others. Fears are constantly being faced, so called truths are being questioned, patience is being tried, and love is being put to the test. Yet this has without question been the best (almost) 6 weeks of my life! And each day gets better.

Surrendering has become my favorite thing to do. Doesn’t mean I find it easy, but I know its worth it each and every time.

L.O.V.E.

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{Filling His Shoes}

{Revelation 2:4}

“But I have this against you, that you have left your first love.”


Last night during the student awakening the Lord began speaking to me about how I had allowed and almost forced men in my life to attempt to fill the place were Jesus was to be. Were I so desperately cried out for a man to be strong, for a man to pursue me, for a passionate lover I allowed men to counterfeit  His love by trying to meet these standards. Were I have cried out for a man to love me, one that would in passion and in fury would come rescue me in pain, trial, and woundedness I tried to find a man to fit into His role. Day after day crying out for this, not understanding why no matter how kind, how passionate, how sensitive any man was it wouldn’t fill that desire in my heart that was burning more and more each week, each month, each year. The picture the Lord gave me about this was this:

Just as a little boy likes to put on daddys shoes and wear them, there is no way that little boy can fill His daddys shoes, there is no way that little boy can do the things daddy can do, or walk like daddy in those shoes. That’s not his role. They just wont ever fit. Plain and simple. ITS IMPOSSIBLE.

In this same way without encountering the real man Jesus and allowing Him to fill that desire to be loved will lead to dissapointment, failure, and confusion. Jesus is the only one CAPABLE of filling that place, that desire, He is the the only who can fill those shoes of my ETERNAL LOVER. No matter how many ways I try, no matter how many doors I open, no hand will ever hold my hand with the strength and tenderness that His does. No man can say the things Jesus says and have the same meaning, No man can or ever will fill Jesus’s shoes.

THEY WERE NEVER MEANT TO.

A future spouse was never made or intended to fill the place of Jesus’s love. Yet so often young men and women find themselves yearning for a love that will forsake all other loves, a love that will listen to there every word, a love that will be there through the good and the bad, a love that says divorce is not an option. Then there is the other side of the coin for the men and women that desire to be that love, and try and fill that place for the significant other in there life, because of there own lack in there lives. That need to give there love.

This Love that we desire to have and to give is Jesus. He placed a desire in us for PERFECT love with the intention that only HE can fill it. That from a place of knowing your loved, of knowing who you are IN HIM, and being filled from the inside out with HIS LOVE first; then, if the Father would have you marry, that’s when you would open your heart/mind to that idea.

“Do not awaken love before it so desires”

But as long as I feel lack in my heart, as long as there is that burning desire for something more than man you will find me in the arms of my beloved Jesus. Oh what a process this has been. I am finding day in and day out that the most simple of thoughts and ideas are the most profound ones that radically change my way of thinking and living life. I’ve heard over and over “no one else can love you like you love me lord” (Its a song here at IHOP). But until the Lord gave me that word picture of the little boy trying to fill daddy’s shoes it hadn’t clicked. Oh how I love how the Lord knows what we will get, what will make things click for us! He is so good.

*** I am going to be trying to update more. Once I get my camera I am going to try and start doing video blogs ***

L.O.V.E.

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{Calling VS. Function}

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I thought I always knew what I was called to do in my life. Leadership, young women, children…The only thing was I would find myself not being fullfilled fully in these activities, I would find myself still searching for more. That was until I came here to IHOP (International House of Prayer) and my core leader began talking about our callings.

Calling:

: a strong inner impulse toward a particular course of action especially when accompanied by conviction of divine influence

Our calling on this earth is to behold the beauty of the Lord, to see and hear God, to FEEL His HEART.

Simply put My calling is HIM.

Its not participating in church events, praying for teens, or mentoring (while they are all valid and important parts of life). My eyes were made to gaze upon the Holy One, my mind was created to be set on Him, my body was created to worship Him. I was created for Him. To be a vessel, an expression of Him.


Function:

:the action for which a person or thing is specially fitted or used or for which a thing exists : purpose

My function are those things that the Lord has available (ministry) if I would choose to walk in them, commonly mistaken as ones calling. But in order to be able to function. I must first be opperating in my calling.

Its short and sweet. Im finding the simple things are the profound things that are radically changing my life.

  • Like when God interacts with me He looks at my spirit, He sees me as righteous because when I was born again my spirit was made righteous.
  • Or do I love God or the benefits of God?
  • Or do I judge my friends because there not making my life comfortable or am I truly looking out for them?
  • Realizing im simply a kitten who thinks its a tiger.
  • God loves me in my weakness
  • I dont have to choose my husband, God already chose him for me
  • My eyes were made to see HOLY
  • I dont want to be an echo, I want to be a VOICE

The list goes on and on and on and on. Everyday a new revelation. Everyday a new breakthrough. Everyday a deeper realization how weak I am, and How strong HE IS. Life here is beautiful, yet hard. But its worth every tear, its worth every smile. Because through it all I am determining what I stand for, and just how SAFE HE is.

L.O.V.E.

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{Faith: Cloudy with a Chance of Sight}

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{Wrote this blog on thursday morning sitting in Registration}

As I was flying to Kansas City I found myself staring out the window (window seats are the best:) memorized by the clouds that we would fly in and out of.  I would be looking out and see clear blue skies, and then we would fly through the clouds I would be so overtaken in the pure whitness of the clouds surrounding me that it would become almost to bright to look at and would have to look away. During some of those times there would occasionally be some blue sky that would peek through, but because I was looking away I missed catching those glimpses. It reminded me of faith, of God, of our relationship with Him. Faith is not about sight, scripture clearly states that. Its not about whether we see Him, feel Him, or taste Him. While they are wonderful things to expierence from God it is not what makes or defines our relationship. Its about trusting that He is there even when we don’t expierence Him with our senses. Even when the world around us doesn’t seem to show theres a God watching over us, keeping us. When we are in situations that seem to blind us to seeing Him, when the world gets busy, when friends get you upset, when your job tells you they need to let you go, when your children are pushing you to your limits. KNOWING, TRUSTING that through those clouds of life He is there. That He is all around. One of my favorite songs is called “All Around Me”, by flyleaf (david crowder band does an awesome job on it too) I was playing this song on my ipod as I was staring out over the vastness of the heavens and was reminded of how the heavens simply cannot contain God, a cloud cannot contain God.

Cloudy with a Chance of Sight is how I see my relationship with abba. Sometimes when all we see around us is clouds (simply put: life happening) we turn away from God, away from His plans and try and figure out life on our own. Simply because we could not see Him. When we do this we not only miss out, but we are saying I don’t trust that you can take care of me. Think about that for a moment.

The creator of the stars

of the moon

How easily we forget that the God who tells the sun and moon to go up and down everyday, the creator who placed the stars in the sky so perfectly, the creator who makes the oceans go in and out
like clockworth. How is it that we forget this same creator, who formed us knows what He is doing. He has our lives all planned out, PERFECTLY. He came up with the idea of breathing, I think, I KNOW He can provide everything else for me…

L.O.V.E.

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{Expectations}

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“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD.

{Isaiah 55:8}

Well the day is finally here. When I can say tomorrow I leave for Kansas City. What a journey it has been to get to this place; here, today, the day before I relocate to halfway across the United States. It has been a time of intense deep healing, breakthroughs, hurts, pains, joys, blessings, laughter, and tears. My socks have really been blown off by the Lord in the first half of this year in unexpected ways. Which brings me to my topic today.

Expectations.

When I applied to go into this internship I expected things to work a certain way, I expected to have certain breakthroughs at certain times. But none of my expectations came to pass. I expected that I would have to fundraise money, and ask people to help support me to get me to this internship. {Afterall I needed to raise over $7,000 within 3/4 months.} But I felt the Lords assurance that I was not to ask for money for this, that HE would provide, that HE would be enough. So as the months passed by I watched in amazement as my bank account grew and grew and grew by the grace of God. And before I knew it I had all the finances for internship.

Then there was my personal growth with the Lord, I had it all planned out in my head. It made the most sense to me that the Lord would prepare my heart in the months leading up to the internship and then do a deep work to heal some of the heart & worth issues I had been crying out for healing for. These were my expectations. Then a month ago the Lord rocked my socks and I found myself FREE from those very things I had expected the Lord to deal with while I was at the internship. I stood there almost confused, there I was free. So why did God want me to go to the internship? I had thought all along it was for healing. Somewere along the line I had forgotten the fundamental reason for life.

RELATIONSHIP.

If my heart is open to healing, in agreement with the Word of God, its my belief He is going to move. He doesn’t want me in bondage, He wants all of me. He is a jealous God, He created me for His glory. He wants me living and breathing in HIM. Hence healing occurring. I had been praying for freedom, those around me had been agreeing with me in prayer with the word of God. And when we pray, especially the word of God THINGS HAPPEN.  Yet I had put expectations on how the Spirit of God would move in my life, I had decided that there was one reason for me to go to internship, and that was healing. I had submitted to my human minds comprehension of what I think is good for me, of what the perfect timing could look like. Well to say God blew my ideas and thinking outta the water is an understatement. So now after having gone through healing in some areas of my life I had really wanted to be done with I find myself looking at this internship in a whole new way.

Now it looks a little something like this.

I am moving to a new city.

I will be attending a new church.

Taking some classes on God.

Going to make some new friends.

and GOD IS GOD.

& GOD IS GOOD

& GOD IS LOVE

Therefore its all guaranteed to work for my good.


Instead of banking on certain things happening

I choose to bank on God.

I choose to let God have his way.

Whatever it is.

L.O.V.E.

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{Last Couple Weeks}

Well its been a couple weeks since I have posted much on whats going on in my life.

2 weekends before Fathers Day we had family pictures taken at my favorite park here in the PNW.

It was alot of fun! Shoutout to John Debeeld for taking the pictures.

~

Brothers Official Graduation Ceremony

So proud of my ‘baby’ brother. He graduated last year, but the official ceremony happened yesterday. It was so great seeing him walk across the stage and then scream and shout for him of course;)

~

Baby Brother Engaged!!

This may possibly be the best news of this whole post. My baby (& only) brother is getting married to his beautiful fiance Kristen. And I couldn’t be happier. He has been so blessed to get engaged to His first serious girlfriend. They are so great for each other. And I get a sister:) So excited for there wedding next summer, praying I am around to attend.

~

My 24th Birthday!

Wohoo. Wow, 24. What an amazing last year I have had! While there have definitely been some hard times but they have been so worth it, I have experienced more growth and love in the last 6 months than I have in my entire lifetime! Praise God!

&& yes my belgian waffles were good, TOO good!

~

Fathers Day

I love you Daddy!! I am so blessed to have a daddy that loves the Lord with all his heart. And one that I can talk openly talk  to about what the Lord is doing in my life. I am so thankful for my praying family!

~

Children’s Photography.

At a friends engagement/wedding shower I picked up one of my friends camera’s and fell in love with taking pictures of children. I am officially hooked, I honestly feel like taking pictures of children is something the Lord is calling me too. So I have been asking the Lord to provide a camera for me and today someone offered to pay for half of it. Would you please pray that this is able to happen and that the rest of the finances for camera would come in? I recieved a word that I would get a camera before or while I was at IHOP and I believe the Lord is MORE than able. I do not have the finances for a camera, yet this is something that is so strong on my heart. I know this is the Lord wanting to show He is able! Would you consider being apart of this dream?

~

Dance Performance

The first weekend in June me and 3 other women performed a dance that I choreographed. What a stretching expierence for me. I felt so blessed that 3 other women of God would come alongside of me and take part in this dance. It was a blast!

~

Phew! And in 13 days I am headed off to Kansas City to reside for about 6 months for the Internship. I still have 1 more party, and 4 days of work left then its on a plane I go!

l.o.v.e.

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