My heart was convinced I’d be healed by now
Yet here I sit still gasping for breath
This wasn’t how it was supposed to be
The pain was supposed to have left
Yet it lingers like a paper cut
Stinging with every movement
You promised me better
This feels nothing like that as I stand in the fire again
But I trust your words over my fears
This suffering will leave
Tomorrow will come
And as the sun rises,
hope will breathe its breath over me
Divorce isn’t a cut and dry, wipe your hands of it and you’re done. (Yet so many have a fantasy that it is.) It’s a daily realization when I look at my son, it’s a bi-weekly reminder when I see them at pickups. The question “WHY?” trails behind me daily as I see other couples, as I see my ex and his gf, as I see words not matching actions from men over and over again in my life. The WHY swirls around every horrific memory of my ex and I. The WHY can become a tornado of emotions that threaten to take me away, and there in that place I am gently reminded to pour it all out at His feet. I cannot handle these emotions that try to take me out. But He can. He willingly offered to.
The onslaught of trauma that raged its war in my life starting with my mom passing, two grandparents passing and ending in a divorce and becoming a single parent all in five years had me thinking the worst was over. It had to be right?! That my utter dependence upon God would somehow lessen. Yet here I sit desperately needing God just as much today as I did when I was married, and as I did when I was first saved. Dependence on God is actually faith in motion. It is showing that you are willing to lay it all down at His feet and trust that He not only can but is willing to make something beautiful of this disaster zone you’ve set before Him. I’ve come to understand human frailty much more over the years as I realize we’re not as strong as we imagine ourselves to be. Coupled with the lies society keeps selling us that we are stronger than what the world throws at us. No we aren’t!! That’s why we NEED a savior. He is strong where I am weak.
God knew humans would fail humans.
He knew that my heart would break into a million pieces over and over and over and over again because of man’s inability to be true to his own word and believe the lies of the accuser.
He also knew that His word has never failed. He knew He had an answer. He stands confident on that answer and promise and invites us to do the same.
God has walked next to me every step of the way proving His faithfulness to me, giving me hope to believe. He led me through what seemed to be mazes some seasons. The majority of the last year has been me saying “I don’t understand”. Confusion tried to steal the joy of what could be, and of what God has for me because let’s be real when you don’t have answers for people’s behavior it’s hard to fully let it all go. But that’s not faith. Faith surrenders what it sees for what love has spoken is promised to come.
His words to me have been simple the past couple months. “Be still and know.” My heart thinks it knows best but when He speaks I am reminded of how completely out of this world He thinks and sees.
The other night I told the Lord what I probably have said everyday at least twenty times a day for the past couple weeks “I don’t know what to do”. Holy spirits reply was simple “Be with me.” I felt myself begin to get angered, and the accusation almost spilled out from my lips “but don’t you see God?!”…and before the words tumbled out I saw a picture in my minds eye of Jesus in communion with God on His knees before He was betrayed, before He was led away to the cross and then I felt the whisper of Holy spirit say to me
“If it was enough for unto death, its enough for you tonight”.
Lets just say mic drop.
He guides in wisdom and in truth. The truth stings sometimes, okay a lot of the time. But its that purifying fire that enables us to reach past what we know and see into the realm of impossibilities. When we can partner with the one who in one breath can form worlds we are launched into something new. That which seemed impossible is now possible. That diagnosis that was deadly is now bending its knee to the name of Jesus. That lie you’ve believed the past 25 years, gone. You make all things new.
And there you stand
faithful and true to every word spoken
Amidst the rubble of what others have left behind
You are there helping me clean it all up
Nothing is too big or small for you
This limp I never want to lose
It reminds me of everytime you rescued me
Some want the perfect picture
I just want truthful words that remind others of who you really are