Who am I today?

 

For the past 3 years I daydreamed of what I would blog about. Going from weekly, sometimes daily blogging on here and my old site be.loved to absolutely nothing created a void in my life. Where I use to go to the bay every weekend, pull out my laptop, listen to worship music, watch the ocean waves, read the word, push back tears and blog I no longer did any of it. Where I use to be on 3 worship teams and had the chance to sing my heart, and express myself and the Lords heart on a weekly basis I no longer belonged on any worship teams (due to moving cross country). My heart that had once flourished in expressing itself had shriveled up and was begging for water. For words of life to revive it. The thought to blog would come and go but the energy to do it wasn’t there.

Instead I tried to get by. I tried to put one foot in front of the other. I tried to smile. I tried to be enough when my whole world had just come crashing down and people had their expectations of me. I tried to be all I could be when all I could do was stare straight ahead without a single thought in my brain. I tried to feel something. I tried to write. I tried to sit, to think, to ponder, to escape back into the world of blogging but life just wouldn’t have it. So over the course of three years I slowly inched back towards blogging. Every day, every month it looked different. Some days it was merely thinking about blogging, other days it was daring to read a sentence or two from someone else’s blog. I couldn’t bring myself to read blog posts, let alone books. My heart just wasn’t ready to face truth like that. It wasn’t until this past year that I picked up a new journal, grabbed a pen and began to write. The tears rushed down my face it was like a faucet had been turned on that hadn’t worked in years.

I began processing, and feeling all sorts of feelings. The words, the emotions all came tumbling out over each other. It was then that I began sorting these thoughts, these emotions, these feelings.

I hurt. I hurt REALLY bad. Mom died, then grandpa, then we got married, I quit my dead end job, then grandma was given a couple months to live. Not exactly ideal situation.

So fast-forward to today. No, strike that. Go back two days. I was standing in our kitchen and it dawned on me. It was as if the blinders had been taken off and I could see. The thought was so clear. I knew it was truth.

I WAS SATISFIED.

I stood there SHOCKED. I was satisfied with my life. I had everything I had wanted. Everything I had been striving for… I had. The past 12 years flashed before my eyes. The eating disorder, the promiscuity, the engagements, the breakups, the business, our marriage. In all of that I had been striving, SO HARD to accomplish something. To be someone. To accomplish the picture I had in my head of what I could or should be able to be. Of what I needed to prove to others in business and in my personal life. (Oh the joys of striving)

I stood there in the kitchen, my heart bursting in utter joy, yet shocked at the realization. Tears almost ready to pour down my face and I simply smiled. I said it out loud for no one to hear but me. “I am satisfied. OH MY GOD. I am satisfied. I have been striving all these years.”

I’m not quite sure how I never saw it before. I am a perfectionist. I know that, I’ve known that for years. I expect perfection, and want nothing less. I prepare for the future obsessively. If you know me, you know what I mean by this. I have tried to buy myself security that certain life events would occur. I guess I never got the memo that you can’t buy a day of life.

This year something remarkable happened. Everything clicked. Don’t get me wrong life has NOT been easy this year. I had some of the worst things (next to my mom dying) happen this year. My faith was tested, my heart was hurt in ways I never imagine, another family member was given months to live. This year has NOT been easy. Yet in all that, something supernaturally aligned in my life.

All the hard work that I had been putting in just CLICKED. Things started happening this year. Big things.

*… stops, pauses, takes a deep breath. Feels tears wanting to well up…* This is all a lot for me to take in still. I am still in awe.

I am a visionary. The statement without vision people perish describes me to a T. Without having an idea of where I am going in every area of life I flounder.

I like and need to know where I am going financially, in business, in our marriage, everything. (Its probably the control freak in me). I like to have a 2, 5, 10 year plan. I do it for fun. Heck, tonight I just did a 13 year financial plan. (Yes, I know I may be crazy;) Back to what I was saying though. The amazing thing is, as much of a planner and visionary as I am I didn’t have a sense of direction for this year. I had ideas for the next year and following years but this year was kind of up in the air.

We had no intention of buying a house this year, I had no intention of opening up a studio. Yet both happened and both have proven to be the BEST decision we’ve made since getting married.

I think apart of it was me giving up control. I cannot tell you how many times I have collapsed into Joe’s arms crying because I am trying to accomplish or control something and the weight of it is just crushing me yet I would be holding onto so tightly. He would just hold me and remind me the only way to live life is to let go and trust. For someone who lost their parent those words can seem impossible. How do I not cling to what I have when “everything” I had is gone. (That is a whole ‘other blog post 😉

So this me. Three years later. I am learning to continually let go, to open up, to not expect perfection but to live life fully. I know ill make mistakes (I may not always admit them 😉

So after a decade of striving what do I do now?

Well. I guess I just get to live life and you know what? That sounds pretty good to me. I hear theres a lot that goes on outside of my brain in the real world. So here is to new adventures and stepping out of my comfort zone. This is me.

I am excited to be back blogging. Can’t guarantee you what I will blog about except that I will continue to express my heart with the hope that others may be encouraged to live their life to the fullest.

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