Wow. I just logged into my blog and saw that my last blog post was back in October over 4 months ago.
Where do I even begin?
I have so many things on my mind, on my heart. Bear with me as I begin to process it all and sort out what to post on Life with Kymberly Janelle and what to post on The be.loved blog . I have always said I blog to share my testimony. I do not blog because I am the best writer, I am far from it. However I have been given a story that so many women can relate to and my desire is to share it with you all. From the bottom of my heart, my desire is for women to be set free. For women to know freedom. Fear grips hold of so many women; believe me I know. I have stood terrified to move, to think, to say, to dream, to believe. My prayer is that as I blog those who read it will see a glimpse of freedom. Of a light at the end of the tunnel. For their faith to be restored and strengthened in the work of the cross.
Believing can be hard. So often the greatest struggle is believing that what God says is true and that we can hold him to His word. That He WILL come through DESPITE our circumstances that might be saying otherwise. The last year of my life has challenged this very thing. I use to find comfort in life going well for me. I found comfort in success and believed that was the Lord’s doing. The issue with that is when death and failure strike you will find yourself slipping, falling, and crumbling under the pressure because truth be told you were not standing on the solid rock that is Christ you were standing on your own ability to get life done. This last year I have faced failure and death in the face over and over again. I stood shocked honestly staring straight ahead wondering “what just happened?”. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t understand how such devastation could come upon my life so quickly. I became confused, and disillusioned to what was truth. I mean who wouldn’t?
I had thought I had everything under control in my life. Then I discovered I wasn’t so perfect afterall. I discovered that death can and will come upon all but that is no reason to completely fall apart. Losing my mom and my grandfather exactly 4 months apart was devastating for me and my family. Never in a million years would I have guessed I would lose my mom. She was one of the healthiest women I knew. I wish I had her strength to not eat junk food 😉 She led a life after God that was purely lead by example never by preaching it at anyone. She gave more of herself to others to see them succeed that I have seen alot of people do. Others came first for my mom. She wanted to see them live the happy life she did. Her happy life though came from her trust and faith in Christ. Not in her ability to do things. This was the very thing that I needed to have shaken out of me. Let me tell you, I sure did. I can laugh about it now but in the moment and months following my moms death I found myself stunned and numb to everything around me. I didn’t understand why death would befall my family.
Death struck our family but it couldn’t separate me from the love of God.
I found myself confused. Afraid to even ask God why. Afraid to even whisper his name. Shock had clouded my vision. The lie I began believing was God had left me. I couldn’t feel God like I had before my moms death. I wasn’t use to this though, I had always been able to God. I could feel his presence, His joy, His love over me and others but in the shock of life I found myself like a pillar standing unsure of what to do. Fear had gripped my soul and I just didn’t know what to think, say, or do.
I have been humbled. I have been brought low. It is nothing glorious. It is painful. It is heart wrenching. It is terrifying at times.
However, I see and know hope. I know there is love. I know Love is for me. I know love is within me.
I still question. I still cry…Yeah I still cry. Life without mom sucks some days.
However I have learned that Gods love for YOU is not proven through life circumstances. Or should I say, life circumstances good or bad are not a reflection of Gods love and devotion to you. Life happens and sometimes life really sucks. However that is NOT Gods heart for you. This has been my journey and I hope that if there is an area if your life were you are struggling to believe that God loves you or is for you that you would hold on to the belief that life nor death can separate us from the Love of God.