I remember years ago I didn’t believe I was loved or lovely. I had believed the lies of rejection that life had dealt me and I refused to accept any kind of “love” because I didn’t believe it to be true. I had believed “love” to be something that was said, but at any given moment could be ripped out from you. I had thought love was about myself, what people did for me was love. I had thought being lovely was being the perfect pastors kid, you know flowery dresses and smiles all day long. Then there came a day when “love” was ripped from me in the form of an engagement being called off. When the walls of this dream fairytale castle crashed down around me, when the ring was returned I realized I had to face reality. I had to face the eternal reality. One day I would stand before God, a real God and I would have to give account for my life. Did it amount to anything? At the end of the age God would one day ask me “did you learn to love”? What would my answer be? Had I placed all my eggs in one basket so to speak? Unfortunately I had, I had thought that I could be satisfied by a marriage, that if I was married it meant I was accepted, it meant that I was beautiful. I believed the lie that if someone was dating me I was worth something. The lies I believed went on and on…
The day the engagement was broken off it forever changed me. Where I had put my trust, where I had believed I was accepted and loved by someone it was all put to the test. And I sat face to face with God crying out why did this happen. Then it dawned on me mans love will never last, it fades, it cannot be consistent like the one I was crying out to. God. All along he had been by my side walking with me as I put my trust in someone else. He watched over the years as I fed my pride with how accepted I was. He heard my hearts cry to be desired as is without the demands and desires of man wanting to change me. But he quietly sat there waiting for me to come to Him. God does not demand our love. He offers it. The days after the break-up I found myself devouring the word of God looking, searching for answers. Where was my worth to be found? Even in the christian circle of men they asked me to change how I looked, how I talked, how I dressed simply to please there desires. My heart cried out in the midst of it knowing it was wrong but the desire to be loved was to great within me and I gave in time and time again allowing the world to shape me into who they said beauty was. Into who they said someone who is worthy of love appeared. Fast forward 8 months, after feeling the Lord calling me to move I traveled halfway across the country to Kansas City, MO and began attending the OneThing Internship [a 6 month internship based off to Psalms 27:4].
Apart of the internship requirements were spending 6-12 hours in the prayer room six days a week. In those times I found myself face to face with my insecurities, my heart had a choice to make. Open up to love himself, or keep hiding in fear that I would not be accepted. I choose to to open up to love. I choose to let His perfect love cast out the fears seeded deep within my heart from my past. Where I believed my past was a direct representation of my worth, God showed me His son on the cross in scripture. A real man, had died for me. I remember the day I realized Jesus had feet, you know like real feet, he wore real sandals!! The more I read about Jesus, the more real He became to me. The more real He became to me, the more I began to let go off the lies I had clung too.Where men in my life had said they wanted me only to discard me a month or two later Jesus hung on that cross enduring every last moment for the hope that I would one day say Yes to His love. Where men asked I changed my look so they would desire me, Jesus said to come to Him as is. Weak, broken, prideful, and hurting. Where the world had told me I was the weird one, Jesus told me I was called + chosen, he called me by name. Where I was forgotten, stood up, and rejected Jesus also encountered this treatment…by me! But STILL He stood waiting for me to return.
Where I feared God would point out my sin that I was all to aware of He simply held me. Where I feared guilt and shame to overtake me I found God to be my judge silencing the enemy. Where the lies had stung me for years God used His life giving word to wash over me and cleanse me. I discovered no book, no magazine, no man could tell me my worth. That my worth was written before time. That my worth was based upon one simple fact. God choose me. God choose to form me, shape me in my mothers womb. He decided there needed to be a Kymberly Janelle Ebright on the planet. He choose for His ONLY son to die for me. This is where my worth is found. In the FACT that I am chosen, desired, wanted by the creator of this world. When I discovered this truth I began walking in love, real love. [1 Cor. 13] Because I realized I myself was LOVED. I found myself able to love others not because they had anything to give me but simply because Jesus loved them, and I loved Jesus and wanted to partner with Him. I was able to love myself because I realized my worth was not based off of some fleeting desire, but instead there was a heartbeat within God that cried out for me to be in existence. He desired to express himself through creating me. And the way for me to come alive and to find purpose in life was to get deep into the word of God and be all that Christ was. Now about that broken off engagement, well it was almost 3 years ago and if you were to talk to any of my friends who knew me then they will tell you there is a night and day difference in how I live life, in how I see myself, and in how I treat myself. All glory to God. So to me, to be Gods be.loved one is to walk in the truth knowing you are loved. Because when you do that you shine the light of Christ towards others who may be in the darkness you once were in.