Since the new year I have found myself gripped in fear. Wondering, questioning, crying out to God how? Where? When?
I have found myself week after week coming home just to collapse in a ball of tears. This is not normal for me, unless the Lord is stretching me and asking me to surrender something really big in my heart. And that is just what is happening. But beyond that, in 2012 I am finding that God is asking me where is my identity coming from? How do I think my value is established? Is how I see myself based upon my comparison of others, of my past, of how well I have performed in the past, or do I judge myself based upon the goals I have for tomorrow. I found I was guilty on all counts. I had been judging myself against my past success. Comparing myself to other photographers. I was doubting Gods ability to work all things together for good.
I had detached from the promises of God and became self-centered. I had placed the role of God on myself and I was crumbling under the pressure. No one can live up to that, we were never suppose to be the ones to hold it all together. There is this beautiful thing called the cross comes into play. That is where every fear, tear, dream, goal, and aspiration is to be laid down. There were a couple days that I “woke up” from this dissolution that I thought I could hold it all together. Trying to work 30 hour job + running a photography business + my personal life was not working for me as I tried to balance it all. I now realize that I cannot figure out my life in a timeline, what I can do is live today to the fullest. There is NO need to try and be another person, or a person I use to be. I am who I am. Wonderfully, beautifully made.
I will never be any other photographer. I have things they don’t they have, and vice versa.
I cannot compare myself, my body,or my talents to the talents, or my body from years ago.
I cannot do everything.
I must choose.
What is it that makes me come alive?
What inspires me? Whatever the answer is, this is what I will do. Regardless if it is the popular choice. Regardless if others understand. I will follow my heart. I will trust in God.
I will be me.
I will choose a spirit of excellence over a spirit of perfection.
I will walk out my salvation in the fear of the Lord.
I will sing my praises to God.
I will not hold back from living life.
I will be me.
I will not fear failure.
I will not fear success.
I will love deeply.
I will be the daughter of God that God created me to be.
By getting in the word of God and discovering more and more of who + what I was created to do.
I will be me.
Check out this song HERE. I am listening to it on repeat as I type this blog. Its called “Making me Over”