{Life as an Intern: Heart}

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“For me to live this is Christ,
For me to die this is my gain”

What do you get when you combine Stanford & Berkley grads, 18 year olds fresh out of high school, and 20 year olds giving up careers and relationships all for the sake of LOVE?
You get the July 2010 OneThing Internship.

Doing this internship has been my way of declaring: “I’ll follow the lamb wherever he leads me, wherever he goes.” It just so happens to be a really, really good song as well ūüėČ In being here I’ve found myself re-discovering the freedom that loving God brings. That discovery is taking me into the depths of Gods heart towards me which requires I face the condition of my heart, mind, body, spirit (my entire being).¬† Doing so I’ve found hurt and pain dwelling all to comfortably in my heart. Fears built upon fears, excuses, and denied weakness simmering beneath the surface. Oh human frailty… I found myself disillusioned thinking I had surrendered all there was to surrender by moving halfway across the country for God ‘to return to my first love’. Instead I came to discover that all along I had been standing one foot in the river, one foot on land unsure if sailing away with God would be really what would fill me and the desires of my heart, desperately holding onto a few of my personal treasures physically and within my heart. (Were your heart is, there your treasure lies). Now it didn’t look like desperation outwardly. (Humans have gotten to good in my opinion at masquerading in order to go about the motions of life.) I was continually ‘growing’ and was having breakthroughs in my life, but there were still places with a big “do not disturb” sign on them. In doing this I wasn’t allowing Jesus to free me from the bondage which I accepted as being normal, which ultimately is robbing Him of His¬† inheritance.

Coming here I realized that I didn’t have an accurate revelation of who God is. My view towards Him was that He was mostly angry, impossible to please, and didn’t really want me to have the desires of my heart. Forgetting that He was the very one who formed my heart in my mothers womb, he created those burning passions and desires in my heart. In the disillusionment of being in pain and hurt I had blamed God¬† (subconsciously without really realizing it) for the mistakes and sins I committed. I was bitter, confused, and ashamed. But God was innocent in all this. All He had done was try to call me out of sin and rebellion so that I could experience His love in a fuller measure.

Without the INTENTIONAL tending to the flame on the altar of our hearts the love for God will not grow within us.
Cultivating love of JESUS, not building my name, a lifestyle of love vs ministry (self-exhortation). My focus in life has been for the 50-100 years that I will here on earth instead for the age to come. Somehow in the hustle and bustle of  life I forgot that I was created to live for ETERNITY. My time here on earth is but a snippet of time in the grand scale of things. My  focus should not be on self-exhoration (how I can make a name for myself) but rather focused on living as Jesus lived. Walking humbly, to serve those around us before ourselves and loving at all times.

Life here is different in the obvious things like living with 3 other women, listening to live worship 5-8 hours a day, classes, working in a Marketing office for Christian Record Label. I am meeting new people almost everyday all with the same goal, to encounter the King of Kings on a daily basis and to love others. Fears are constantly being faced, so called truths are being questioned, patience is being tried, and love is being put to the test. Yet this has without question been the best (almost) 6 weeks of my life! And each day gets better.

Surrendering has become my favorite thing to do. Doesn’t mean I find it easy, but I know its worth it each and every time.

L.O.V.E.

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One thought on “{Life as an Intern: Heart}

  1. I like the part, I was having breakthroughs, but there was still places in my life that had huge, do not disturb signs on them.
    Wow did that make me evaluate myself. Thanks for blogging.

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